The Art of Losing Myself
by FailingDemi
Summary: I’m killing myself. It’s my art. The art of losing myself…to myself. [Pointless angst fic.][ONESHOT][Rated T for selfabuse themes][Hikaru & Kaoru]


A/N: Ahem. Excuse me. Okay. I betcha y'all kill me. :) No, no, not because this is a pointless angst.

Okay, maybe it is. But you will kill me...cus...I'm playing around. And not writing anything. -smiles- Anyways.

ATTENTION ALL: THIS. IS. POINTLESS. ANGST. NO. LIKE. NO. PLOT. DUN. READ. As I said: POINTLESS.

Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran Highschool Host Club

* * *

I watched. He was moving farther away from me. I couldn't do anything about it. I was still stuck in my childish fantasies, while he…moved on ahead. Without warning, he plunged forward, leaving me far more than just steps behind.

Standing in the background was only me.

Me, myself, and I.

Walking far away from me was him.

-I couldn't do anything about it.-

He was leaving me.

-Alone.-

And I couldn't and will never catch up.

* * *

The sun. Oh the sun. I hate it. It never really bothered me up until now.

When the rays just –conveniently- drifted through the beautiful scarlet curtains and just hit me in the damn face, blinding me for all I'm worth. I swear…it just loves to wake me up. I just sat up from the bed and rubbed my head.

I have a headache this morning. It feels like a ton of bricks whacking into my brain. Pounding, pounding…ugh…it hurts.

–I hate my life.-

I feel like throwing up.

"Hurk-" I began, but I immediately clamped my hand over my mouth and forced down whatever was in my stomach. That was unpleasant. I think my cheesecake mush was just begging to slop all over my bed sheets.

Successfully, I staggered to the bathroom with my hand glued to my mouth. I can't keep the mushy thing down in my stomach. I just needed to get to the toilet-…and…

The contents of my stomach immediately shot up my throat and started to leak from my mouth…to my hand. Luckily…I got to the toilet before any mess was made.

"Eghh…" I mutter, wiping my mouth. The door to the bathroom opened and I felt someone staring at me.

"Were you drinking last night again?" he asked me, a scolding edge to his voice. It made me pissed. But with the stupid damn headache, all I did was weakly glance at the figure standing at the door.

I didn't give him an answer. Because he didn't need one. He knew, but why ask?

"Why do you need to know?" is all I ask. I coughed hoarsely during the silence and collapsed on my knees. My hands grasped the seat of the toilet, as more disgusting contents flew out of my mouth and into the bowl.

His gaze was piercing. As if staring through me, wondering why I was doing this to myself.

-Why _was_ I torturing myself anyways?-

"Why aren't you stopping?" he inquired.

-Why indeed?-

"Why are you doing this?"

My dull hazel eyes slowly locked onto my mirror image that was leaning against the door frame. My voice was croaky from the regurgitation, but I managed to say.

"I have nothing else to live for."

I see his eyes narrow down in pity. Pity…what pity? I didn't need that from my brother. If I was his equal, then why am I the one receiving his pity? "Hikaru…just why are you drinking more sake than usual?"

"Shut up, Kaoru," I spat, standing up from the toilet after flushing it quickly. I glared at my brother; a deep scowl was etched on my face. "I do what I want. I'm an adult. We're both adults. So just butt out of my business."

His hazel eyes remained careless. I couldn't find any trace of anything…

-Not even love.-

I washed my face and brushed my teeth, with my brother staring at me. Observing me. I don't know why he has been staring at me with this indifferent look. I padded my wet face dry with a towel and then flung it onto a rack for it to dry.

I stumbled past Kaoru and walked out towards my room. Kaoru insisted that we separate once we're adults.

-And I didn't like that decision.-

I dismissed my hangover and got into my clothing rather weakly. I stared into the mirror, and adjusted my tie to my white long-sleeve blouse.

-I have a feeling that the white will be an interesting color of yellow…-

Kaoru slowly blinked at me and walked towards me, while running a hand through his spiked light-brown hair. My twin stopped only five feet away; he was watching me put on my coat in silence.

I could tell that he was thinking of a sentence to say. As usual, I just ignore him. Finally, as I begun to walk out the door of my room, he opened his mouth. In a cold voice, Kaoru muttered, "Stay home. You're sick."

I paused before my fingertips brushed the doorknob. In that brief moment, my mind was hit with all the memories of my caring twin. There would always be worry and compassion in his voice. But now…now, all his innocence had been stripped away.

-And I couldn't do anything about it.-

"No," I replied, as I left the room.

* * *

When did it begin? When did he start leaving me? When did I start turning to a bottle of sake for comfort? When did I start enjoying the pain and blood running down my own wrist? I'm killing myself. It's my art. The art of losing myself…to myself.

* * *

I sat at my desk and stared at the papers in front of me. The pen against my hand was tapping against the glass surface. My eyes started to wander to my wrist that was a little bit visible underneath the black cuff of my suit.

I slowly pushed up my sleeve and stared down at the cuttings that scratched my skin. They weren't serious. No. All I did was just take the blade and scrape my skin lightly.

-For hours on end.-

There was a large scraped bruise sitting an inch away from the base of my hand. It looked disgusting; there were hardly much skin left there. Occasionally it would bleed and start to bubble out blood.

-Like what it is doing now.-

Calmly, I swiped a tissue and wiped off the crimson. I heard a knock at the door. Swiftly, I covered up the cuts and disposed of the tissue carefully. Looking up to meet the door, I called out, "Come in."

Walking in through the door was one of paperwork people.

-Forgot what the hell they were called, but I guess it's not important.-

The man nodded at me, said a small greeting, and picked up my stack of papers. All I did was watch him leave, and until that door close, I didn't tamper with that scrape. I felt the white cloth of the blouse stick onto my cut.

-After all it was bleeding.-

I removed the pieces of clothing that were on it and stared at it. The smell of blood wafted to my nose and I stared at the crimson that was dripping down the sides of my arm. My other hand fingered a nearby blade.

No one knew of my scars. Not even Kaoru. He's been distant. He hasn't been caring. He wasn't a good twin.

–Neither was I.-

I took the blade and allowed the tip to trail up and down my cut. It gave me a stinging pain, but I liked it. It was addicting. Watching more blood just form at different parts of the scrape…was enchanting.

I just wanted to end it.

-What was the point of life when there was no purpose?-

My eyes dulled slightly. I didn't have a purpose. I lost it long time ago. My fingers tightened around the blade, and very slowly the sharp edge started to slice through my flesh.

-No point…-

It cut deeper.

-…at all…-

Something roughly separated the blade from my cut, and the other thing grabbed my wrist, tightly squeezing right above the cut. I let out a strangled yelp. As I was swarming in pain, I heard someone hiss in front of me. "Hikaru! Stop!"

I blinked, and I stared in shock at the person who had stopped me. When did he come in? Why didn't I notice? Was I that…unaware? Why was he here? The person…who was the origin of all my problems.

There was a tense silence, until I broke it.

"Kaoru…why…?"

His golden eyes broke out of its glare and gazed at me in confusion. His grip didn't let up, but his face softened a great deal. "Why what?"

My lower lip trembled, my free hand clenched into fist. I stared into his deep golden eyes. "Why now? Why do you care now?!" I demanded. I felt stinging sensation in my nose, my eyes started to water, and blur out my sight.

I didn't break out of my glare.

"H-Hikaru, what?" Doubt and confusion was framing his tone with me. My other hand released the blade that it dropped onto the table with a 'clack'. I continued to rant and give him my uttermost loath.

"Haven't you noticed?" I said angrily, casting my eyes away from him. "You, Kaoru. You're my problem. You're-..." My voice turned soft, and tears slid down my cheeks. "…distant. I don't feel like I know you. I feel like a stranger!"

"Hikaru…I…"

And then I did it.

-I didn't want to.-

But…

_I cried._

My frustrations. My loneliness. My self-abuse. My yearning…for Kaoru to just be my brother again. Everything was just let out through tears. Tear drops fell onto the glass work table, and I started to quiver.

I'm so stupid…so idiotic.

-I want to die.-

I'm so immature.

-I want to die.-

I haven't been thinking.

-I want to die.-

I'm nothing but pathetic.

-I want to die.-

"Hikaru…" he said softly. I slowly lifted my head up to see him staring down at me. Was that pity? The pity that I've been so long loathing?

-No. It wasn't pity. It was concern…and love.-

I immediately embraced him; my whole body was practically kneeling on the glass desk. I buried my face into his shoulder, my tears started to create a wet spot on his suit. It didn't matter. Not even when blood started to drip down my wrist precariously.

-I have been wanting this for so long.-

Kaoru wrapped his arms around me, and brushed his fingers through my hair before stroking it. "I'm so sorry…Hikaru…" he whispered into my ear, as my grip tightened around my twin.

-And this…was what I was killing myself for.-

* * *

When did it begin? When did he start leaving me? When did I start turning to a bottle of sake for comfort? When did I start enjoying the pain and blood running down my own wrist? I'm killing myself.

This is my art.

_The art of losing myself…so that he can bring me back. _

* * *

A/N: What a pointless one-shot indeed? Okay, bad, bad Hikaru. And why was it Hikaru the one doing the angsting? OH...because. Kaoru needs a break. So yeah.

Besides. It's much more fun with Hikaru going depressive. :)

-Ja! And please leave your reveiws! (Don't even **think** of flaming.Yes, I know it was OOC-ish and pointless.)


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